A Journey Home.... Where I belong

Ben 10

2011-12-21T00:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I’m sad and happy and wistful. My baby, my last baby turned 10 today. There is something sad about having all your children being DOUBLE DIGITS. It means they’re all big kids. No more little kids in my house and while I’m enjoying this new stage of life I have to admit it is a little sad too.

You are my sweet gift son and I can't wait to see how the Lord uses you!

Mmmm Smells Good

2011-11-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Ham and Scalloped Potatoes and Asparagus. I love COSTCO.

I found a recipe online for scalloped potatoes and changed it up a bit and here is what I came up with:

Crock Pot Scalloped Potatoes:

▪ 2 sticks butter; divided

▪ 2/3 cup all-purpose flour

▪ salt & pepper to taste

▪ 4 cups milk

▪ 4-6 cups shredded cheese – I used a combination of Monterey Jack, Cheddar and Parmesan

▪ 3-5 tablespoons dry sherry

▪ 8-10 medium potatoes, scrubbed and thinly sliced (I used 8 COSTCO Russets and that filled my Crock Pot)

Peal potatoes and if you have a food processor use to slice and they will all look uniformly nice – if not thinly slice and layer in buttered Crock Pot (use about a half a stick to generously butter) cut remaining stick into pats and layer in between sliced potatoes.

Next in a heavy saucepan melt 1 stick of butter and whisk in 2/3 cup of flour until smooth and bubbly. Add in salt and pepper. Slowly stir in milk and whisk until thick. Stir in shredded cheese(s) and then add Sherry to taste. Cook over low heat for 5 minutes until hot stirring constantly. Poor over potatoes and stir gently to make sure they are all well covered.

Set cook time on Crock Pot based on your timeline. I did mine for 6 hours.

Ham is in the oven warming and asparagus is ready to be grilled. Going to be an excellent dinner tonight

Pop – Pop – Popcorn

2011-11-07T15:02:00.002-07:00

When I was in second grade we had to learn our multiplication facts and we had to know them like POPCORN. We had to pop the answers off just like the kernels pop. For each number series we got through Mrs. Tate would reward us with a small baggie of popcorn and at the end when we knew our 12’s like popcorn we got the coveted bag of caramel popcorn.

Today I made homemade caramel popcorn and divided it into small Ziploc baggies for Ben. He’s been stuck on his fact memorization for a while and I thought this might just be the motivation he needs. He’s already studying and practicing trying to get the prize!! Whatever works people – don’t judge – I’m not above bribery. The child is in 4^th grade and it’s mission critical at this point to get these facts memorized.

The recipe is super easy and VERY good.

Caramel Popcorn:

8-9 qrts Unbuttered popped popcorn

1 cup butter

1 cup light Karo syrup

1 ¼ cup packed brown sugar

1 can sweetened condensed milk

In a medium saucepan melt butter, syrup, and sugar, stirring with a wooden spoon. As soon as mixture starts boiling – DO NOT STIR – and allow to boil for 8 minutes. After 8 minutes remove from heat and add sweetened condensed milk and return to heat and bring back to boil. As soon as it boils remove from heat again and then pour caramel over popcorn and toss to coat. I divided my popcorn into two large bowls and then used two large spoons to toss.

Once it was cooled completely, I divided it into sandwich baggies.

We had some extra caramel so we used that as dip for apple slices for snack.

It’s been a good Monday.

Essay

2011-10-06T20:51:00.005-06:00

My girl will get into college perhaps not the one she dreamed of getting into way back east, but I have faith she will get in to the school God has picked for her.

Her narrative explains her well but she struggled with this assignment because it’s forced her to write about herself in a positive light. She’s been struggling with feelings of disappointment and regret. Nothing scandalous - just teenage regrets of wishing she'd made the most of some of the opportunities she'd been given.

I have a confession to make. I am a reader. Don’t underestimate this statement. Just because one can open a book and sound out a few syllables doesn’t make them a reader. I am a reader because I am as varied as the titles upon my bookshelves. To me the books I read are not merely excursions into the world of imagination, but a contemplation of the person I can become. So, who am I? Let’s take a look at my bookshelves and the genres within.
I am like the legal mysteries by John Grisham, curious and skeptical. I ask big questions and dig deep for answers and I’m not always willing to take the first answer given. Justice is important to me and I will fight for the rights this country was founded upon. While in college I long to study political science, law and history.

I am a dreamer, cleaver and passionate, strong and a force to be reckoned with. Like Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice, my tenacity and compassion dare me to dream big dreams. I am excited to explore great authors, artists, poets and theology and to take college by storm.
Like the books of hope and religion, I am like Christian from Pilgrims Progress, always on a journey seeking answers and truths that may or may not be easily apparent. I have a growing faith and rest in the knowledge that the experiences life doles out allow me to grow into the person I’m meant to be.

Like self-help and instructional books I work hard to learn about myself and learn from others. I live by the saying that there is something new to learn every day; you just have to be willing to find it.

My historical novels allow me to get lost in the past but be thankful for the present. Just like Laura Ingalls Wilder I am a hard worker, and a quick learner. I strive to please those around me, but always stand up for I believe in. I have been known to put the needs others in front of my own but I’ve been learning recently that I can’t always put others needs ahead of my own.

The biographies and autobiographies of those who lived and lead before me inspire me. I appreciate the value and example of their teachings and contributions and it is my desire to impact my college, campus, community and world.

Finally I have my futuristic section. These books show me that change is coming. Ingenuity is not dead and great things await us. I will be part of the future and I will help make it great. By immersing myself in colligate life and my studies I will sharpen my skills and hone my understanding.

So you see, I am a reader. Books have opened the world to me. They’ve inspired me, guided me, instructed me, frustrated me and motivated me. Books allow you to get lost in a maze of wonder, find an escape in the blazing heat of the deserts or experience the emotions of war torn fields of Gettysburg, or venture to the flower filled fields of Narnia.

I will be a lawyer one day and hope to work in our country’s government to help make our world a better place. The pages of a book are the gateway to everything. And just as some books, I’ve started off slow; but I’m finding my voice, my rhythm and my rhyme.

She’s still editing but I think it’s coming along well.

Give | Save | Spend

2011-09-28T20:51:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I pulled out the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace Jr program I purchased a few years ago. It's been on my closet shelf collecting dust because I could never find the time to sit down and go through it with the kids.

Well, now that we actually have time, there are no excuses to be made!

We created our commission sheets and the kids wrote down what they wanted to save for.

There was only one set of GIVE SAVE and SPEND envelopes so we had to make more.

We went to the stationary store and found some colored envelopes that opened at the top and the kids picked out some stickers to decorate.

Here is what we came up with:

It was a fun project and has been a great lesson. The kids are motivated to keep up with their chores which is new to us - and they are learning that there is a reward for working hard.

Hanna and Ben each have the opportunity to earn up to $10 per week. Not all chores have an amount to be earned - there are some things that I feel just need to be done with a good attitude to contribute to the family. Some jobs are optional - they can choose if they want to earn the money or not and some are non-negotiables - they have to be done, daily/weekly.

Last week Hanna finished all her chores and asked if there was anything else that I needed done - what a treat. I really needed the hardwood floors cleaned and I told her I was willing to pay her extra for this big job - so to my delight, while Ben and I were at football practice Hanna cleaned the floors.

Things are going well. I love this time of year, the days are still warm, but the nights are cool almost cold. Tonight the low is 54. Yay!

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and grace. Thank you for patience with me. I love you so much. Amen.

Daughters - Sisters

2011-09-27T23:11:00.001-06:00

I have two daughters. Having grown up with only a brother watching the dynamics between these sisters has been interesting. They love each other intensely but couldn't be more different. They are both amazing, but so completely opposite it is sometimes hard to believe they truly are flesh and blood sisters.

As I tucked Hanna into bed tonight I saw this written on the whiteboard in her room. (you can click on the photo to enlarge.)

You see Haley is struggling right now - she is trying to figure out who she is and where her place is going to be in this world. She is a senior in high school and her life is about to change - she is having to make grown up decisions and that can be overwhelming and scary.

I'm praying for her too Hanna....

180 Movie

2011-09-27T23:02:00.001-06:00

This is very powerful!

Keeping My Eyes On The Prize

2011-09-17T23:56:00.002-06:00

This week was a hard week and it wasn’t the kids; it was me. I struggled keeping my temper in check – I get so frustrated when my son doesn’t get it. He wants so badly to get it and be successful and to be honest, to please me. He does so well, and then all the sudden something happens and we lose it – we lose our rhythm and his eyes just kind of glaze over and we stop speaking the same language. I honestly thought Thursday afternoon that I must have been speaking Mandarin while he was only hearing English – we read the same thing 5 times and I couldn’t get him to see the answer. I don’t know what happened – he’d been trucking right along doing really well and then we broke for lunch and then when we started again he was gone... no ability to comprehend what he was reading. It was weird and I got frustrated.

I don’t know why I couldn’t just move on and come back to it later but no I wanted to MAKE him get it and I couldn’t and we both ended up in tears. I had to ask both the kids for forgiveness.

I’m grateful for friends I can lean on when I struggle. I ended up sitting in my car at the park by my house (Hub’s was home with the kiddos) and called a friend in desperation. She spoke reassuringly to me but also honestly – that’s what I appreciate about her most. She said simply, “It will be okay.” I needed to hear those words. She then said, “Why didn’t you just skip it? “You can just come back to it later.” Um, yah that probably would have made sense, but I am not always sensible so ya know that wasn’t an option for me.

Friday I asked another friend to pray for me (and us) and we decided to meet Saturday morning for coffee (tea for me) and she helped give me some more perspective and encouragement.

If you don’t have a couple of women in your life that you can be completely 100% honest and transparent with I don’t know how you do it. One is a friend I grew up with and knows absolutely everything about me and my history and why I am who I am and I know the same about her. We’ve been friends for so long that God has literally knit us together. I consider her my flesh and she is completely sold out for Jesus so I can count on her to totally understand me and love me through my crazy but always be willing to pray for me and speak biblical truth to me. Even if it stings a little – she will be honest with me and love me through it. The other is a newer friend, but as Jesus so regularly does, He’s woven her into my life over the last few years slowly and deliberately culminating in this – she’s becoming a trusted mentor to me. Another woman totally sold out for Jesus that will speak Jesus to me and provide me encouragement and biblical wisdom as I walk this out in faith. Both of these women are much further in their walk than me so I grow so much by their willingness to just continually point me to Jesus. I treasure them both and am so grateful to God and his mercy and grace.

So we keep plugging away – I wish I could say that it’s easy, but it’s not. I am learning so much about myself and so much about my children. When you’re gone from each other for the majority of the day and evenings are so harried and rushed it’s not possible to know them – really know them. I would have argued this point if someone had tried to tell me I didn’t know my kids before, but now I know its true. I really didn’t know my kids. I am learning more about them each day and I treasure it – even when the days aren’t smooth and I wonder what I’m doing – I long to be near them.

Thank you Jesus for standing by my side and please help me to remember to lean on you when I can’t understand what's going on inside my son's head. Please help me to patiently reassure him as you patiently reassure me.

I ask this humbly Lord in your sweet and precious name.

And School Has Begun – The Week So Far

2011-08-31T23:00:00.001-06:00

Saturday night at 7pm the FedEx man came hefting 56.36 lbs of school for the two youngest of the three darling D children. Sunday was spent sorting, inventorying, organizing, reading each section’s introductory info and I’ll be honest, lots of effort and time was spent trying to stifle the panic rising in my chest. I was feeling very overwhelmed and unprepared for what was coming.

I posted a quick cry for help on Facebook asking any seasoned mom to help me figure out how to organize our day – specifically “Where does Math go???” – this is a crucial question for a mom jumping head first into this homeschool ocean. I’m not the mom who is starting out at preschool with little ones whose educational needs are basic at best and there is plenty of time to get your feet under you – no I am starting down this path with a 9 ½ year old 4^th grader and a 12, in six days, 6^th grader, each of whom have had years of experience as to what REAL teachers do and how school days should run – pressure? Yes just a little thank you! Well sweet, wise women came to my rescue and spoke (and typed) words of reassurance to me and I calmed down, however I have to say it was well after 1am before I could slow my mind enough to get some sleep.

Monday wasn’t easy – Ben was not happy – somehow he’d convinced himself that homeschool meant no school and he was sorely disappointed when he realized there where several assignments with his name on them. I couldn’t find a good rhythm and I felt awkward teaching – the day took sweet forever to finish and more than once I thought about throwing the towel in and sending them back to school for someone else to deal with for 7 hours a day. EASY it would be very EASY.

I reread the sage wisdom in the revised Educating the WholeHearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson:

Section 1:Home, page 28

“ There probably will come a time when you, too, will be tempted to shrink back from what God has called you to do in your family. If that happens read Hebrews 10-12....” There will come a time, yep – first day hours 3, 4, 5 and 6!

Well I read Hebrews 10 and got to verse 35 and there it was: (NKJV)

³⁵ Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. ³⁶ For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:

God called me (and us) to this and it is my job to be confident! Tuesday I woke ready for the challenges that lay ahead and it was a much better day – certainly not perfect, but I definitely felt better about how the day flowed.

We finished school by 1:45 with just one reader to read as a family before bed. The kids got 3 days of writing assignments done and by the end of Tuesday they both had 5 days worth of assignments done in math. (It was flowing so we just kept going)

So there’s grace in obedience and today was a terrific day Justin and I heard on the news that Shoshone Falls was still flowing at record rates so we decided to take an impromptu field trip and packed up school and got in the car. We were able to finish almost all the lessons and reading during the drive there.

We hiked all over the trails around the Falls and found 6 geo-caches! The kids (and the husband) were thrilled. Hanna was able to find a great spot to plant her cache and we ended the day finding 3 more caches under and around the “scary bridge” (I’m not a fan of bridges).

Just a quick update as we make this journey together.

Thanks for stopping by.

Ahhhh

2011-08-04T01:08:00.004-06:00

Sweet release. Tonight I purged my FB account. I wasn’t the one with the most “friends” ever, but I had too many and it was making me crazy; I felt like I was missing something if I didn’t check in all the time; it was ridiculous and vain and made me feel like I did in high school all over again – never quite part of the “in crowd” and never quite good enough. What’s that about – I am not that crazy insecure person anymore – or am I? No I’m not and that’s why I purged the friends list and if that doesn’t work then the accounts going away all together.

I kept a small handful people active because they are either important to me personally, or because I respect and admire what they stand for and I hope to learn from them. It was a healthy exercise in self-control and boundary setting.

In other news, I received the revised and updated “Educating the WholeHearted Child” book by Clay and Sally Clarkson today and it’s good. That should be read goooood! Lots of meat and it’s going to be a slow read for me so that I can savor and process the biblical wisdom on those pages. Here is the first paragraph of the introduction.

It’s Your Decision

“We homeschool.” Those two words change everything. Either you will or you won’t, but deciding that you will homeschool will change the course of your life and your children’s lives. It’s not overly dramatic to say that it is a decision of epic proportion, so make sure you will make it for the right reasons. Whatever else influences your decisions, there is really only one reason in the end that should settle and seal it – that in your heart, before God and by faith, you know that being at home with your children is the right thing to do.”

Wow – powerful. Read it again. The last sentence almost knocked the wind out of me. “Whatever else influences your decisions, there is really only one reason in the end that should settle and seal it – that in your heart, before God and by faith, you know that being at home with your children is the right thing to do.” In the end only one thing matters, only one thing – that being at home with your children is the RIGHT thing to do.

I have to keep saying it and tying it because it is so easy for me to lose focus. Over 3 years ago (it will be 4 years in March 2012) God spoke to my heart and told me to come home and for over 3 years I have second guessed Him, wondered if I heard Him right, thought about all the possible outcomes and wondered if He’d thought of this or that, or what would happen if – or what about that thing I knew I wasn’t thinking of but was bound to happen as soon as I stepped out in faith and did what He told me to. Obedience isn’t my strong suite – wonder why my kids struggle with obedience. Hmmmm. Anyway, I knew what I was supposed to do and didn’t do it – I made a lot of excuses, but God wouldn’t relent. He has made me so uncomfortable in my disobedience that I have no choice – the thing I was afraid to face; quitting my job was beginning to look less uncomfortable than my continued disobedience to the Lord. In May I prepared to resign my job A (I have two jobs). I prayed all night that God’s will would be done and the next day I resigned (with 4 weeks notice). God’s ways are not our ways and for reasons I still can’t explain or understand an opportunity was presented that allowed me to SIGNIFICANTLY decrease my hours and create my own schedule which allows me to continue working in a limited capacity but still bring in some necessary income and still honor God’s command to put my family first. God also made it clear through a series of events that it’s job B that’s got to go.

This is a position that I wasn’t supposed to take, but 3 almost 4 years ago I allowed fear to rule and used an opportunity as an excuse for not listening and obeying the Still Small Voice that had been so clear as to what I was supposed to be doing instead. Again, obedience – not my finest quality. Yesterday I quit job B. Praise God.

This thing I was so worried about doing and have fretted over for so long is done and honestly it wasn’t as painful as I had feared. The enemy had me convinced that sacrificing my family would be better that quitting this job that drives me CRAZY anyway. Why am I so easily misled? Why is faith and trust in the lover of my soul so hard but the lies of the enemy so easy to believe?

Well it’s done and now I prepare for the next steps God would have us take and this is easier now tonight, after reading the truth in the paragraph above. I don’t have to get bogged down in the what if’s and what about’s – the bottom line is God told me to come home and he told me bring my children home and over the course of time he has proven this to me over and over again in so many little and big ways, but the bottom line is “being at home with my children is the RIGHT thing to do.” Emphasis mine. If I rest in that powerful truth what do I have to worry about? It’s the right thing to do. So simple, so foundational, and very freeing.

We homeschool. A simple sentence and a life changing one. These are words we will have to learn to say with confidence and ease because it is fact. We buy curriculum Friday and we start on August 29^th. Pray for us.

God Bless,

Amy

And he sleeps.....

2011-07-27T00:20:00.004-06:00

I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since I’ve posted. Lots of things have changed, but lots of things are still the same. Some disappointingly so and some happily so.

My husband was promoted in February, which has brought on some new challenges for me, but for the most part it’s been a blessing to our family. He is currently working nights which is the primary struggle for me since I find it entirely difficult to sleep while he is gone.

My daughters decided to head for McCall Monday morning because it was simply to hot here in the Valley to handle. Oh, how jealous I am. It is too hot and I dislike it a lot!!

Benjamin and I are here holding down the fort – he has been sleeping with me the last few nights "to protect" me so that "I can sleep" – or so he tells me as he pleads his case each night. I must admit I’m a push over and easily convinced but somehow he always falls asleep much quicker than me and I’m left here to read and pray and wonder for hours until my eyes can’t stay open for one more minute.

My children are growing like weeds. Haley turned 17 on Saturday and will be a senior in high school this year. Hanna will soon be 12 and is becoming a young woman, no longer my little girl. Ben is 9 (and half; he’ll quickly point out) and at his check up with the pediatrician yesterday was 59” tall and 100 lbs. even. He’s grown 2 ½ “ since January. That’s a lot of growing. Soon he’ll be looking at me eye to eye.

It’s well after midnight and I need to read my Word and pray before my eyes start crossing. I wonder how long it will be before I post again....

Melissa Bent – A Blessing to Me!!

2010-06-26T23:09:00.001-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeYiVOsygno&feature=related

The Best Blueberry Muffins

2010-05-31T11:30:00.003-06:00

Buttermilk Blueberry Muffins

1 cup buttermilk
½ cup melted butter
2 eggs, beaten
splash of vanilla
2 ½ cups flour
1 cup sugar
2 ½ tsp baking powder
¼ tsp salt
1 – 2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries

In a small bowl combine wet ingredients until well blended

In a larger bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder and salt

Make a well in the center of the flour mixture and add buttermilk mixture, stir just until moist. Fold in blue berries.

Fills muffin tin or papers 2/3's full and bake in a 400 degree oven for 20 minutes. Allow to cool a few minutes on rack to avoid burning kiddo's mouths on hot, juicy berries.

Blogs I Love or Have Just Discovered:

2010-05-28T10:33:00.004-06:00

There is one more, that I check every time I am online but she hardly ever posts – I still check it though because when she does post she usually has great things to say, but her privacy is important and I won't share without her permission - She is a ruby to me and I love her.

I am grateful for all these blogs. I don't read them daily, but when I do have a moment to check in I almost always take something of value away with me – either a beautiful picture, a lovely scripture, a word that I needed to hear, a reminder, a goal or dream I share. There is always something good or even bad and I appreciate each of these people that take the time to share on the interweb!!!

Blessings this Memorial Day weekend!

Amy

A Love Story

2010-05-15T00:25:00.002-06:00

I had a good afternoon and evening – after a terrible morning!! I had a small (or not so small) mad attack this morning after the 15 yr old and 8 yr old were fighting over the FRONT SEAT – seriously???! When will they understand that all seats arrive at the destination together, at the same time? Well, it will be sooner than later because when H1 suggested that I assign seats I agreed and assigned them all to the back!!! My briefcase bag now gets the front seat! It was so ridiculous but the day was totally redeemed when I got to spend the afternoon with a friend giggling sitting outside enjoying the glorious day (without wind; thank you Jesus) at the 36^th Street Garden Market & Bistro. What a sweet place! The food was wonderful and the flowers and shop were just delightful! It felt good to be silly and laugh hysterically at funny things that were probably only amusing to us.

The perfect ending to a lovely afternoon – Hubs took me on a Dinner/Movie date. We went and saw Letters to Juliet and it was a sweet love story. Hubs doesn't enjoy those kinds of movies but he lovingly tolerated it for me cause he loves me!! I am so blessed to have him! He had a long week and even though he was tired we really had a nice time visiting over dinner and holding hands in the movie.

Plans for tomorrow:

A quick (and early) trip to Saturday Market to look for hanging baskets for the front porch. I need flowers to welcome me home each day!
Weed the front beds and get a load of perm-bark rock.
Noon baseball game for Benjamin
A nap… I wish – nope gotta get that garden bed weeded and ready for planting
Church – Esterlyn is doing worship and I love them and am looking forward to that. Plus I've been out-of-sorts a bit this week and I am looking forward to spending some time in the Word

Sunday:

Playing, I mean planting in the dirt – need to get front door pots done; gerbera daisies I think will be just right.
H1's honors bio hiking project – quick hike in the foothills to record data so she can build her power point and speech
Dinner with friends

A good weekend and GREAT weather!

Heavenly Father thank you for sunshine and perfect warm temperatures that strengthen and refresh my soul. Thank you for blessing me with an answered prayer for no wind – I really appreciate it. Jesus thank you for your love and the love you've given me in the blessing of a friend to share with and husband that I am still madly in love with after almost 17 years of marriage. Lord forgive me for my temper this morning and the sharp words I used with my children. Please give them forgiving hearts tomorrow when I humble myself and ask them to forgive me. Lord I ask that we each stop and listen for your still soft voice and have the faith to understand and follow your will. I love you Jesus.

Amen.

A Long and Wordy List

2010-05-12T23:53:00.002-06:00

So it's been a while since I've posted again. I've started several, but haven't been able to finish any of them – so tonight to summarize and actually get something finished I'm going with a list.

Still working
- Not one but two – I'm averaging 50 – 55 hrs a week
H1 is still needy and I'm still not doing a good job at being there for her, but I am trying more.
H2 is really hard on herself. I am worried about the pressure she is putting on herself. I need to focus more on her and try to figure out what she is striving so hard for…. She is impatient with herself and pushes herself in everything.
Ben is struggling. We are in the middle of having some testing done to look for learning disabilities like dyslexia. He's finished one round and we are trying to coordinate schedules to finish up. There is such a huge difference in the expectations of the child between 2^nd and 3^rd grade and their ability to work independently. He is so not there. He struggles with attention and being a regular busy boy. He does well one on one, but in the classroom he gets lost or maybe overwhelmed with so much activity. I think he would really thrive as a homeschooler – would I?
JD is still amazing and I am still lucky that he's mine. His patience with me is unending. Why is he mine? I feel guilty because I feel like he got the short end of the stick when he got me. Some day maybe I will be able to give back…..
- He changed positions & shifts in January and I have to say I don't really care for the new schedule. For almost 8 years he was days Mon – Fri, home by 4:30 and had every other Friday off and his schedule could be flexible when I needed his help!!! SPOILED! And me being the spoiled brat that I tend to be thought this was my reward for "putting up with" graves for 2.5 years. I hated graves. I can't sleep when he isn't here, so I developed a ridiculous case of insomnia over those two long years and was not surprisingly rather overjoyed when he went to a day shift. I have to be careful not to over share here, but in January he changed his position and while he is still on days, his shifts are longer and not flexible AT ALL and it's this crazy rotating schedule – so while he works less days during the month (14 -15 days off a MONTH) the kids and I are still working and schooling the normal Mon – Fri so I feel like (well it's not a feeling it's the truth) that we only actually have 4 days a month where we are all off at the same time and I'm jealous of his days off without us. I probably shouldn't be because we still have our evenings together, but it never seems like enough. I know it could be so much worse – he could work swings and be gone during those evenings too and that really would be awful! I shouldn't complain. My husband has a job and is successful in his work both professionally and in the lives he touches every day. He does his job with respect and honor and we're lucky. I know I should be happy for that. But again I go back to the selfish part of me and want more time with him. And what's worse is that he's happy – it was a good change for him and will help him career-wise but I'm struggling being happy with him!! L
I was working out with a personal trainer, but quit. It was such an awesome feeling. I actually felt like I was getting strong for the first time in my adult life, but it was just more time spent away from my family and I just couldn't deal with the guilt and conviction I was feeling. I need to find a way that I can still exercise this old, sad body of mine, but do it in a way that doesn't take time away from the ones who already get too little of my time. I don't' have the solution yet, but I am praying about it.
Wind. Why. Tired of it. Ready for warm (NOT HOT) non windy days. Please and Thank You!
Spent a beautiful day in McCall Sunday for Mother's Day. We drove up late Saturday afternoon and then had breakfast Sunday morning with my parents and Brother and Sis-in-law and my sweet niece and nephew. We then helped my parents clean the hillside and burn the slash piles with all the winter limbs – The sun and fresh air was good for all of us.

I guess that's all for tonight. Hopefully this post was a little less whiney than my last ones. I am trying to have more faith that while I wait on the Lord to show me the plan that I will stop with my constant murmuring and find joy in what I do have instead of only focusing on what I don't. I know in rereading what I've written above it may not seem like I am doing a very good job with that goal, but I really am trying.

Lord, I ask for patience and wisdom. I ask that you will show me your plan because I am laying myself down at your feet. I can't do anything without you – and I need you to open the doors (or close them) I need you to order my steps and plan my days. I've been faithful to give my husband his rightful position of authority in my life and our family and now I give you the rest of me. I am clay Lord make me into your work of art. Use me the way you see fit – not my way but yours Jesus. I want to live for you and I pray you will use me. I pray that I am worthy of being used. Jesus I pray these words of submission in your sweet holy and precious name!

A Slow and Quiet Life

2010-02-09T23:14:00.001-07:00

Can you imagine a slow and quite life? I long to have days where I don't have to meet anyone's time line but my own – I can't even imagine it. I think that is part of the reason that I wasn't able to stay home a few years ago when I had the opportunity. It freaked me out to not have a schedule…. To not have some pressing deadline, I didn't know what to do with my time and I was disorganized. It seems so stupid now. I can't believe I gave up so easily, what I wouldn't give to be able to have that opportunity back. Where would we all be if I hadn't been afraid?

Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Thank you for your love and your grace. I praise you in my weakness because I know you are my strength – I will rely on you Lord.

Dreams

2010-02-08T23:31:00.003-07:00

When I was young I had a very definite plan for my life. I wanted more than anything to be a mommy. I was the little girl who played with baby dolls – I had a small doll cradle with my dolls in my room until after I graduated high school, even as a teenager I held my dolls and dreamed. To me there was nothing as important as being a mom. I wanted to fall in love, get married and have babies and spend every waking moment for the rest of my life being a wife and mother. Well, I did fall in love and I did have babies so I guess technically my dreams did come true – but honestly, this isn't what I pictured when I was dreaming all those years ago. My life isn't where I thought it would be, it isn't what I thought it would be, to be perfectly honest I hate what it is. That sounds so terrible it's a good thing no one knows I've been posting again.

The sad fact is that I know what needs to change in order to improve things, but I just can't seem to get there, no matter how much I talk about it, pray about it, hope for it, dream about it – nothing happens. I told my husband today that I'm miserable and that I need his help. I hope he took me seriously and cares enough to help me fix this mess. I feel like I am on a bullet-train and the scenery of my life is FLYING by and I can't figure out how to get off and make things slow down.

My kids are growing up and growing away from me every day – I'm sure that sounds fatalistic but it's true. My oldest is 15 and is a really great kid, but she is at a period in her life where she is needy and she needs me more than ever, but instead of being able to be there I'm gone at work, or racing to get from point A to point B, rush – rush – rush. She said to me the other day that I treat her like an inconvenience. It's true, I do. I walk into every conversation with her with two thoughts;

What am I going to have to say no to and how bad is the fight going to be about it?
How long is this going to take? How long is this story, question, tirade…. Etc…. because I have a b c d e f g & h to do.

Isn't that awful? I'm so ashamed to even type it – out loud – for anyone to see… for me to see. She is 15, almost 16 and she is facing tough things every day. She is surrounded by crazy people, doing crazy things at school every day. She feels awkward and lonely because she different – we as a family have a lot of rules and standards that just aren't normal anymore. So she has lots of stress and lots of frustrations and she needs me –

What happens to children who need their parents and they aren't there – they turn to someone else. I don't want her to turn to someone else, I want to help her sort things out, I want to help her confirm her faith and help her search for the answers when she questions things, I want her to feel accepted and not alone because I'm there for her on the tough days. I don't want her to fell like an inconvenience.

My middle is changing too – she is 10 and she is sick of me. She sees through all of my excuses and just looks at me at times like I'm a total disappointment to her, and this is from the child with the sweetest, kindest heart you've ever met. She has all but given up on me – she loves me, but I don't give her what she needs. She and I were so close when she was little it was like she was a monkey forever attached to me – I would literally have to peal her off of me just to use the potty. Now she walks right past me without a look. She hops out of the car without a glace back, sometimes she doesn't even say good bye.

My youngest is 8 and he needs me A LOT – he is struggling in school and needs help. He isn't reading at the level he should be and his math skills and penmanship are dismal. The sad fact is that he's incredibly smart he just needs me to work with him. I'm so busy all the time that by the time I get home and try to get something for dinner we're all so tired that it takes three times as long just to get the regular homework done and by that point my patience is spent and it's time for showers and bed that I can't even think of reading together or heaven forbid math flash cards!!!

This isn't the vision I had for our life. This isn't the way I wanted things to be – I just can't believe this is it. But if something doesn't change soon then it's going to be too late. H1 will be gone and H2 will hate me and B will suffer academically forever if I can't help him with this foundation for learning now.

I don't know why I post these whiney terrible posts. Their pathetic just like me. What a waste. I apologize to anyone who happens upon it.

Heavenly Father, I'm crying out to you tonight begging for help. Please bring me home where I belong. Please help me fix this mess I've made. I want to do what is pleasing to you and I believe you called me home in March of 2008 and I ask for you to forgive me for not following through and doing what I know I should have done. Please forgive and help me. I can't do it alone. I need my husband to help me. I need your help Lord. Please. I'm begging you.

I ask these things in your precious and holy name Jesus.

Amen

A Peaceful Easy Feeling

2010-01-03T00:14:00.002-07:00

I have a peaceful easy feeling today. For Christmas this year we bought Hanna and Ben little devotion books to read through as we tuck them in each night – they are both old enough to starting understanding and applying God's word in their lives and this also helps open the door for more quiet discussions at the end of our busy days. I also found a book called Dinner Time Devotions for quick devotions around the dinner table as well as a devotion for Haley, but we aren't sure we like hers just yet. The past two days we've had great discussions and prayers with each of the children and as a family and it does wonders for my often heavy heart. My children are so precious to me and it makes me regret all the moments I've missed with them. They are growing so quickly I feel as though I am losing the race. This is not a sad, whiney post however; it is a hopeful post because we are working (quietly) on big changes. We are taking significant, baby steps in order to achieve some goals. With God's grace we will see the fruits of our effort sooner than later.

Jesus, sweet heavenly Father. I praise you this night for your love and mercy. I give you thanks for my sweet family. They are more precious than gold to me. Thank you for giving me the desire for my family again. Thank you for my precious husband who is so patient and kind. Jesus I love you and I pray you will help us continue to be consistent in our daily and nightly devotions. I pray you will help Justin and I to continue to keep our eyes focused on you and on the goals we have to be in your will. I pray these things humbly Lord in your name.

Amen

I Wish…

2009-12-22T22:33:00.001-07:00

I deserved to be loved by Jesus; but it can't be earned and I don't deserve it - He just loves me anyway.
I could spend every day praising Him for the gift he gave and keeps on giving.
I deserved my husband.
I was a stay-at-home mom.
I homeschooled my children.
I was a better wife.
I was neater and more organized.
Had my priorities in order.
I knew how to stick to a budget.
I had more patience.
I was a better friend.
I didn't feel sad so often, but am glad I can hide it pretty well.
I wasn't lazy.
I wasn't a procrastinator.

That's a lot of wishes.

Weary

2009-10-27T23:25:00.001-06:00

I am so weary. I am working so much – too much! Why do I do this over and over? I feel like the proverbial hamster on the wheel – when will I jump off or will I continue to work so much that I drive myself off a cliff? I sit here typing when I should be in bed. It’s after 11pm and I just got home – another 12+ hour day for me. I’m working two jobs full time and I shouldn’t be working either of them. I should be at home taking care of my family, but I’m chicken. I’m afraid to quit and let anyone down and I’m afraid to give up my income, and I’m afraid I won’t be a good mom if I stay at home. I’m afraid I’ll be lazy or board. I’m afraid I won’t be “important” any more. Wow – that’s ego isn’t it? I know all the reasons why what I’m doing is wrong, so why don't I do what needs to be done? I’m so spent by the time I get home I have nothing to give to anyone no matter how hard I try. My temper is short and my words are sharp. It’s not the kind of mother and wife I want to be – but I just sit here and whine about poor me and don’t do anything to change! I suck!

God forgive for being such a weak and pitiful vessel. I’m not worthy of your love and yet still you do. Forgive me Jesus.

Conspiracy

2008-12-10T10:09:00.002-07:00

This is what I want for Christmas..........

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Hubs!

2008-06-18T11:28:00.003-06:00

This is a letter that I wrote my husband yesterday. I love him so much and am so grateful for him.

Dear JD,

I have to be "mushy" for a minute. I just need to tell you how proud I am of you for taking our son on this Father Son Camp Out. I know that things like this aren't your cup of tea and I am so grateful to you for stepping out of your comfort zone to spend this weekend with him. I know it will be awkward at first but I know that God has mighty things planned for our family and all it takes is our willingness to step out in faith and be available to Him. We don't have to have a perfect relationship with Him, we don't have to have perfect understanding, we just have to be there and willing. You are giving your son the gift of seeing his father spend time seeking the Lord. You are impacting his life by stepping out of your comfort zone and I admire that. He will be a better man because of you. I am excited about the man he will someday be and the husband and father he will become because he will have a much easier time because of the foundation we are building for him (for them). Thank you and GOD BLESS you!!!

Thank you for being the BEST husband and father I have ever known. You are more than I deserve and more than I ever hoped for. God blessed me 17 years ago when we were thrust together in circumstances I never could have planned. I never expected to fall in love with you so many years ago – but God knew. He knew just what kind of man I needed….

1. Completely devoted

2. Unendingly patient

3. Filled with humor and silliness

4. The strength and the ability to take my willfulness head on

5. Deep, deep reservoirs of love and grace

6. A heart filled with forgiveness

7. Taller than 6 feet

8. Piercing eyes that I can get lost in (even red allergy eyes)

9. Strong arms that wrap around me and protect me

I have made so many mistakes over the years because I felt unworthy of your love, so I made choices to prove that I was unworthy…. But you forgave me and loved me in spite of my stupidity. Even though you didn't/don't realize it, you've shown me the love of Jesus in your amazing ability to love the unlovable. I am blessed daily because of you.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to be a better wife to you and making up for the years I didn't appreciate or value the gift of you and I will spend time in prayer daily lifting you up before our Lord thanking Him for you, asking His continued blessing and protection on you and for you to have a desire to know Him. He wants to know you… He wants to spend time with you and I am praying right now that you just meet Him right where you're at and just see what happens. It is truly amazing how Jesus can change a wreck of a person… I am good example of that. 2 years ago I was wrecked and I didn't know how I was going to make it through. Jesus used you as my steady rock to wait for me and to be there to love on me as I came back. God Bless you…. I praise His name because I clearly see His hand all through your life. He got you through your wrecked childhood. Even though you couldn't see Him - he was there holding you up in your trials and giving you the strength and courage and will power to OVERCOME. Only by the grace of God are you the man you are today. No example of what a family is, yet you have created a family of good children who love their parents and delight in spending time with us. We aren't perfect and obviously we have our issues and our times of failure, but we could be so much worse off. We have God's hand upon us and as we grow our relationship with Him more we will only be more blessed. I look forward to that. Little steps of faith reap huge rewards.

I know as this weekend approaches you will feel uneasy but press on, have faith and go I promise you won't regret it. I was so afraid when I went to that retreat this spring all by myself but I was blessed and Jesus met me there and I am changed because of it. I am better because of it.

I love you baby…. I desperately and completely love you – Jesus thank you for my wonderful, amazing husband. Lord I pray that you will give Justin the confidence to meet you this weekend in the joy of spending time with his son he will desire to spend time with You, his heavenly Father. Lord, I pray healing for Justin and the wounds of the past. Please take away and heal the hurts of his heart. Lord I pray that you will put a desire in his heart to need you… to long for a relationship with you Jesus. I pray that this is the beginning of mighty, mighty things for our family as we seek to serve you. I pray these things humbly in Jesus' powerful name! Amen

It’s May 3rd

2008-05-03T13:30:00.001-06:00

And…. I'm not employed! J

Technically I am, but praise Jesus I have given notice. The time is short now! I thank you Jesus for being faithful and sending me the courage and conviction I needed this morning in a precious phone call. I praise your name Lord. Amen

Thank you for the prayers.

I can't wait to be home.

Plans – why do I bother?

2008-05-02T22:57:00.003-06:00

I am so sad and frustrated. This has been the worst week. I had a plan, a beautiful plan – all the details worked out so that all my bases were covered and I've been working towards it for weeks. I was supposed to give 30 days' notice on May 1^st; so that I would be all done with work by the time my kids are home for the summer. It was a good plan until this week. I should have guessed where things were going. It all started unraveling last Thursday and by Tuesday I had a full blown mess on my hands. I was still committed though and as Thursday approached I was still following the plan – I had every intention of meeting with my boss and letting him know that I was going to resign my position but of course this, that and the other 45 things made that impossible. Now it's almost May 3^rd and I'm still employed, have a major project facing me and a VERY disappointed husband! I've totally let him (and myself) down. I know what he is thinking too, "I knew you wouldn't do it, I knew you wouldn't choose us". I see it in his face and I hate it.

I have spent so much time praying over the last several weeks and I know others have been praying for me too…. So WHY? Why wasn't God there to protect me? Is it my Lord who is putting up these blockades? Did I hear wrong, am I not supposed to come home? No, that can't be it because that doesn't follow God's Word, His word says I am supposed to serve my family and other than contributing financially I don't serve anyone anything but ATTITUDE and drive through meals.

So if God isn't placing the barriers in my path then it is a spiritual attack from the enemy. Ok I get that, I got that earlier in the week even. I commanded Satan and demons to get away from me. I told them they had no right to mess with me because I am a child of God and I faithfully serve Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. (Matthew 16:23 But He turned and said to Peter, "Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.") So why, why isn't the Lord protecting me? What am I doing wrong? I've only talked about the situation to a couple of people because I am so frustrated, but they offer me logical advice, "Just follow your plan – it's not your problem anymore." This is good advice, so what am I so afraid of? Why am I forced into inaction because of the actions of others? Get a grip… I am a total loser!

Lord, I am crying out to you tonight. Please give me strength and confidence to take the action that must be taken so that I can come home. I want to do your will Lord. I want to serve you and be a wholehearted mother and wife. No more distractions, no more compromises. Just give me the clarity and boldness to stand firmly in what is right and please do it soon. I am weak and worn out and need this to all be behind me. Please. I'm begging Lord. Amen

I would appreciate prayers if anyone reads these random ramblings.

Uncommon Friends

2008-03-22T00:51:00.001-06:00

I am reading the book A Heart Like His by Beth Moore and one of the best things I've read so far is in Chapter 13 about the friendship between Jonathon (King Saul's son) and David (the future King). "The soul of Jonathon was knit with the soul of David." She says that the Spirit of God sometimes cements two people together as part of His plan; uncommon friends joined by a common bond; the Spirit of God. Beth lists three examples of uncommon friends. "Uncommon friends can speak their minds without fear." "Uncommon friends can share their hearts without shame." And "uncommon friends can stay close even at a distance."

Do you have a friend like that?

I do.

I wimped out

2008-03-22T00:00:00.001-06:00

I have had so much going on lately that I totally crapped out on blogging and my confidence has been hit hard. Doubt has settled in and I am questioning everything I pledged. I feel so weak. Without fail this happens to me every time. I start to second guess myself when I get too busy. I lose focus of Jesus and everything gets scrambled.

Tonight my son fell asleep on the couch and as I struggled to carry that great big 6 year old upstairs it hit me smack in the face again just how quickly time goes by and how much time I've already missed – time I can't ever get back. Ok, I'm feeling more committed again. I want to be home. Jesus bring me home. I pray to you Jesus to keep my eyes focused on You. I want desperately to know and serve You and I know I can't do that when I am consumed with the business that keeps me from home. My journey home is a journey to you. Take me by the hand and keep me on track my gracious, heavenly Father…. Amen

I love this song How He Loves Us - the words are so powerful and Kim Walker's voice is incredible. This is such a random post; I am all over the place which is kind of fitting since I've been all over the place emotionally lately.

Let's talk about faith. I wish I could have unabashed faith; I just looked at synonyms for unabashed and there are words listed like brazen, shameless, bold and blatant…I want faith like that. I want my faith and love for Jesus to be blatant – obvious – unconcealed – barefaced – deliberate and TRANSPARANT. Where is your faith and what does it mean to you?

Oh how this son of mine and his daddy scare me!

2008-03-21T22:20:00.002-06:00

Jesus tonight I pray that You will keep my son safe from harm. Please Jesus wrap your arms of protection around him and protect him. Amen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rmmv3NP5WI

My Funny Family!!

2008-03-21T22:14:00.001-06:00

This was in McCall, Idaho several weeks ago. We had so much fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i61Mi7JrtHU

My laugh sounds very maniacal… J

My Journey has a Theme Song!!!

2008-02-27T08:27:00.001-07:00

Click here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flfDuYuy6aQ&feature=user

Steps…

2008-02-26T23:14:00.003-07:00

While a journey begins with a single step to reach your destination there are many steps that have to follow. What are my steps?

My main step is prayer and my repetitive step (picture a treadmill here) is to stay focused on my goal and to do that I have to continually remind myself why I need to come home. The reason I want to come home is because all of the sudden I feel like the clock has sped up and I believe Jesus has placed an urgency on my heart not to miss anything more. I can't stand the thought now of getting older and looking back after my kids are grown and not knowing where the time went; it wasn't always so.

My youngest is six years old and I honestly don't know how he got that old that quickly. I remember nursing (or was that wrestling) him as a baby and now he is in kindergarten. Honestly I feel like I missed almost everything in between – I just don't know where the time went and it scares me. Can you imagine how that will feel when he is 30, all grown up and gone? I pray over my children each night and ask Jesus to speak boldly to their hearts and for them to hear the call He has placed on their lives early and for them to follow and serve that call passionately. Jesus doesn't want me standing on the sidelines of their childhood, he wants me actively involved teaching them and growing them for His kingdom. My guess is that He has as much to teach me as He does them.

How did I miss so much in so little time? I changed jobs 6 months after he was born and accepted a position that I naively thought would allow me to be home more; I would be working from a home office – sounds good right? Ahhh, but there's a catch - I would work from home when I wasn't traveling!!! Isn't that just the way it always is when we make decisions without first getting on our knees and asking the God who knows all; who knows the first from the last; the beginning and the end what choices we should be making?

It's funny because I have the greatest mom in the world. I am crazy about her and she is CRAZY about her grandchildren. In the beginning I wasn't sure she'd like the whole grandma thing, but wholly cow; I know where I learned it from – there is no doing things half way around here – when we jump into something it is with both feet!!! She is Super Grandma (I should make her a cape) and the more I dug in to be successful at work the more she was there to stand in my gap and help my husband raise our children. She watched the kids for me when I traveled; she cleaned my house and made dinner. She delivered to and picked up from preschool – she did it all. She loved them like a mama and a grandma and that's a LOT of love! Part of the problem was that she was too good though – she made it too easy for me to walk away and get on another airplane. I got to feed my inner selfishness and go to a hotel where someone else made my bed and then go to a restaurant each night where someone cooked and cleaned up after me. Boy, as much as I missed being away from my family, reentry each weekend was really hard. Coming back and "doing" mom jobs after being able to be completely self absorbed is tuff! And guess what, I'll share a little secret with you; it's very hard to relate to your husband and carry on meaningful conversation and continue to grow your marriage over the telephone when a.) You are totally self absorbed and he is trying to be super solo dad after working all day and b.) You are totally self absorbed have the bed to yourself and control of the clicker. Not really the ideal setting to relate, bond, romance, carry on an conversation etc…At the busiest time I was traveling the better part of 3 weeks a month. I kept up that pace for 3 years!!! CRAZY! I told you I don't deserve my husband. He put up with a lot of nonsense!

There is a lot more to this story, but I won't bore you with any more details tonight. The important thing that I wanted to share and to remind myself of is that I am slowly learning that the God of the universe cares about my little things as much as he cares about my big things. For a long time I thought when you prayed you had to say specific words, or ask specific things and because of that I always felt like I was praying to the wall... there was no meaning, no passion. It wasn't personal and my God is a personal God. It was only when I got over myself and started really talking to Him that I started having a relationship with Him. I started pouring out my heart, all of it - all the ugly parts that I hide from everybody right down to my hopes and dreams, fears and realities. I begged (I still beg) the Lord to change me. It is my constant prayer to Him "CHANGE ME!" I have tried for years to change me but the problem is I can't change me only He can. I repeat daily – "I am clay Lord. Mold me and make me yours. I am willing to faithfully follow where ever you lead. Change my heart." Once I finally submitted to Jesus I clearly felt the call to come home.

I've always talked about coming home. I even tried BRIEFLY a couple of years ago, I didn't make it 3 months and at the slightest nudge from the one who hates us and wants us to fail I crumbled and went running back to work and ended up busier than I ever have been. I gave in to fear instead of submitting to faith. Now, to be honest I am fearful of this journey, but the difference is I believe in God and He has called me home and He doesn't lie, He doesn't set up traps just to see me fail. I know it is going to be hard to get home and then stay home, but He has made the path, and so I have comfort knowing He will provide the way.

This journey home is not only a journey home to my physical home, it's a journey home to my Father and living my faith out loud!

My Journey Home

2008-02-24T23:44:00.001-07:00

My best friend (my husband) has been encouraging me to start a blog for a while now because as he puts it I have been on the sidelines for too long…. Get in the game or get out! Tonight I am taking him up on his suggestion because I am beginning a journey and by journaling about it I think it will help hold me accountable to the goals I set for myself and my family.

The Journey - I’m coming home where I belong and it is one of the scariest things I have ever done….. and I’m not home yet. There are lots of variations, but “A journey begins with a single step.” and my first step was committing to coming home.

My back story - I have been married for almost 15 years and that in itself is an amazing thing. I do not deserve my wonderful husband. He has put up with all kinds of nonsense from me and in spite of all my failures he still loves me desperately and I cling to that daily. I have three precious children; 13, 8 and 6 and while I am grateful for the privilege of being their mother I am sometimes overwhelmed with guilt for missing so many important things along the way. I work full time and usually have 3 or 4 different projects that I am juggling in addition to trying to mother 3 children and be a wife to my husband.

Pride; it is a terrible thing. I allowed myself to focus on success at work because the reward of a paycheck and the reward of someone telling me I did a good job fed my ego – and besides no one really says “Way to Go” or “Good Job” or “You Deserve a Raise” at home. I think I would make a lousy Woman’s Libber (is that a word – or a title?) because I have decided that while a woman is capable of doing ANYTHING; she shouldn’t do EVERYTHING; at least not all at the same time. I have learned firsthand that you can’t serve two masters – something will fail. If you put your energy into being successful at work, the things (and people) at home will suffer or vice versa. You cannot give 100% to more than one thing. When people say I’m giving 150% (or whatever… anything more than 100%) it makes me laugh because 100% is the whole thing…. It is everything. How can you give more than everything? If you delude yourself into thinking that you can give equal effort to work and home you are being foolish. You will wind up failing at both. You will be giving 50% effort at home and 50% effort at work and 50% effort won’t make you successful in either place. Think about it 50% just isn’t enough; it wasn’t enough in school – it was an F.

For the past several years I have given about 85 - 90% effort to my various work projects and I have been successful at them for the most part but that has left only 10 – 15% of my effort for my family and guess what that just isn’t enough. Please let me be clear I have wonderful children. They are happy, normal, challenging and real. My husband is an amazing father who plays and makes lunches and drives them to school every day. He is engaged and available and I am by no means saying that he has failed in anyway and that is why I need to come home. There has been no big trauma that forced me to re-evaluate; just tender tugs on my heart from my Savior calling me home and showing me that I am a very important part of my family’s life. He created the family for a reason and each person in a family has a specific job; no one job is more important than the other as each job is unique. Mothering is a job worth doing well and will forever impact the future. This has been so heavily laid upon my heart. What have I taught my children about their importance in my life? My actions have shown that my paycheck and “things” were more important than time spent with them. What have I taught my daughters about the role of a mother? With my actions I have shown that it is often a burden – ouch that stings – I show up late to pick them up from school because I just needed 5 more minutes to finish at work. I’ve missed centers at school because I just couldn’t get away in the middle of the day. The list is long and it is a bitter pill. What am I teaching my son about the kind of woman he should seek out for his future bride and mother of his children? I haven’t served my husband the way I am commanded to in the bible. I haven’t shown proper gratitude to having a husband who is completely dedicated to his family and works hard to provide for us – on the contrary I have shown him with my actions that he doesn’t do enough and therefore I must pick up the slack.

Because my Jesus is graceful and loves me in spite of my many failures and after many, many years of trying to get through this thick head of mine, the message is finally getting through and I’m coming home.